Ask Elizabeth: Parenting When They’re Grown – How Do I Let Go Without Losing Them?

Elizabeth Hamilton-Guarino
May 28
2 min read

Dear Elizabeth,

My kids are in their twenties now, and I’m struggling. I raised them with everything I had—love, values, structure, laughter—but now that they’re adults, I feel like I’m stuck in the middle. I want to support them without overstepping. I want to be involved, but not controlling. I miss the days when I knew everything that was going on. How do I let go without losing the deep connection I’ve built?— Mom in Transition

Dear Mom in Transition,

Oh, I see you. I am you.

As a mom of four sons in their twenties, I know this sacred, sometimes bittersweet space between holding on and letting go. No one really prepares you for parenting grown children—it’s not in the baby books, and there’s no instruction manual for this emotional terrain.

Here’s what I’ve learned—and what I try to practice, imperfectly but intentionally:

1. They Still Need You—Just Differently

They may not need help with homework or rides to practice anymore, but they still need your wisdom, presence, and love. Just wait for the late-night phone call, the quiet “What would you do?” or the subtle way they circle back to your values. Your job now is to be their emotional anchor—steady, strong, and available without taking over the ship.

2. Your Peace Sets the Tone

The more peace you cultivate in yourself, the more space your children feel to grow into their lives without guilt, fear, or comparison. They’re watching how you handle this stage. Are you clinging? Or are you cheering them on while creating your own next chapter?

3. It’s Not Letting Go, It’s Letting Evolve

Letting go isn’t losing them. It’s making room for your relationship to evolve. Instead of “letting go,” try thinking of it as opening up. Ask curious questions. Respect their autonomy. Trust that what you planted will grow—even if you can’t see the roots forming in the moment.

4. Stay Consistently Loving, Not Constantly Present

They need you to believe in them, not hover over them. Show up with support, not solutions. That text that says “I believe in you” may land better than a list of what they should do next.

5. Give Yourself Permission to Grieve the Shift

It’s okay to miss those days when you were the center of their world. That ache? It’s real. And it means you loved deeply. Honor it. Cry if you need to. Then—fill your life with new purpose and passion. You’re still growing too.

Here’s a little mantra I use: